Angus Garden

Studies have proven babies have a difficult time establishing acceptable hand-eye coordination which is crucial to operating a cellphone or computer keyboard. Too long have parents tried to figure out their child’s current status through outdated analog methods such as sight and smell. That is why we are so happy to announce BabyTweet, the World’s first Twitter client easy enough for a child to operate. BabyTweet is based on the simple accepted fact that babies can be found in one of three states. After a short period of simple association, your baby will be able to notify you and more importantly the World as to their real-time status. Please check back often as we are constantly working on new products.

Update: A reader just pointed us to Hasselt University’s Twoddler. It seems a lawsuit is the only appropriate action to take.

AIG has recently decided to change names to AIU because of the harm done to the previous name. AngusGarden has received a secret memo showing some of the names that didnt make it.

AIG after outrage over bonuses has assured the Government its newest plan will raise enough private funds it will no longer need assistance.

Photo credit http://www.flickr.com/photos/jdiggans/2953903328/

Update: Although AIG never took our advice it seems at least one individual did try and use this technique to generate some money. We suggest next time he get a sign saying “I worked on Wall Street and helped lose your house, your money and your retirement.”

Google in yet another effort to help the world will open a new division dedicated to accepting blame for everything wrong with the world.

This official statement was made by Google’s New Project Public Relations Spokeswoman, Brenda Baker: “Whenever possible Google likes to give back and recently we realized we could do more. By setting up our new blame office we can help the world with their guilty conscious. Too many people were being blamed for the problems of the world resulting in mass confusion. Now the world will now have an quick avenue for passing the blame.”

Lawyer Brain Hatcher stated “Since Google has indexed all of the internet’s content, they are responsible for everything that is posted on the internet. Users can not be held accountable for what they write because it is too hard to blame them, but Google is so big and has so much money. They are clearly at fault.”

The United States Government was one of the first in line, blaming Google for the sub-prime fallout, increasing deficit and global warming. More countries are expected to follow including Russia, South Africa, China, and France.

A California Burger King was the scene yesterday for a vicious riot resulting in 12 people being severely injured and thousands of dollars of property damage.

Burger King was reportedly shooting a commercial hoping to capture customer’s reaction to news they were discontinuing the Whopper. In the popular ad hopes to capture customers distraught from news of the Whopper being discontinued. It seems Burger King captured a little bit more then they expected.

Local police claim patrons became incredible irate when the manager announced the discontinuation of the Whopper. One man reportedly began to rain blows down upon the manager’s head. Another began to beat the manager further with the “Wet Floor” sign after the manager fell to the floor. Other customers were lighting napkins on fire and squeezing all the ketchup packets out on the floor.

Customer Janet Green was visible upset after the ordeal “I never saw people so animalistic. It got out of hand so fast. No one should have to live though that.”

Members of the film crew and other representatives tried to calm the angry mob down but it was too late.

Myra Times, a lawyer who specializes in fast food cases”Burger King should have taken better precautions against the threat of angry customers. What did they expect when tricking customers into thinking the Whopper is gone? Happiness? They should have been prepared for angry customers ready to take revenge on behalf of their favorite hamburger.”

No word is out on customers considering legal action against Burger King.

Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback Tony Romo spent a weekend in Mexico with Jessica Simpson a couple of weeks ago while Terrell Owens – Romo’s receiver and teammate – began to feel a deepness for his compadre.

T.O. sat down with Deion Sanders for the NFL Network and let the cat out of the bag. “So I sent them on that trip, you know, to get away for the bye week,” Owens said. “It doesn’t really matter what a person does during the off-time. That’s his personal life… What if he would have gone over there with myself?” One could only imagine that would have made Owens a happier man with a more secure heart.

As his emotions for Romo took over after Sunday’s 21-17 playoff loss to the New York Giants, Owens sobbed, “This is not about Tony. You guys can point the finger at him. You can talk about the vacation. And if you do that, it’s really unfair. It’s really unfair… It’s my quarterback…”

We at AngusGarden.com hope Owens’ feelings for his quarterback come to some resolve, perhaps over a weekend getaway to Cabo.

Blockbuster announced today they will immediately start training employees to critique movie selections faster and with more sarcasm.

For some time now Blockbuster employees have been giving customers a healthy sampling of their opinions on movies and games. But this is the first official move taken by Blockbuster to establish a training program for such critiques.

The program will be broken up into categories in the same fashion current movies are divided such as comedy, action, and drama. Emphasis will be on making the customer feel publicly belittled. Classes will be taught by middle market newspaper and blog movie critiques.

Blockbuster manager Ralph Black said he is looking forward to the training adding “Giving the customer the business before he or she would check out was hit and miss at best. Giving us some guidance will give me the confidence to really bust them up on their choices.”

Walmart has just recently announced a deal with the Devil to sell back human souls. There is no official word on the price but analysts expect the discount to be high.

Walmart spokesperson Angela Green in an official press conference said “We at Walmart strive to offer our valued customers the widest selection of quality products at the highest competitive price. We are so proud today to announce we will be adding human souls to our our long list of great products.”

Walmart has been quiet on the details of the souls but insiders say only currently living souls will be offered for sale. No word has been mentioned if already dead souls will be for sale.

Specifics on the deal between Walmart and the Devil have been released but anaylists for years have been saying the Devil just doesn’t have enough room and was looking for outside investors. Speculation is Walmart has received a large bulk discount which should aid well to their bottom line.

The Street has upgraded Walmart stock to a strong buy due to high demand. The Street expects Walmart to start offering souls in China and Mexico around late 2008 / early 2009.

After some strict criticisms recently concerning holes in the Patriots Defense and on going allegations this season should be marked with an asterisk from confirmed cheating, the Patriots Owner Robert Kraft plans on proving once and for all the best team in NFL history by challenging former great NFL teams.

With cooperation from the Department of Defense, leading time and space warping theorist Dr. David Who and Professor John Frink Jr., the New England Patriots will travel back in time and play against the greatest NFL teams in history. Angus Garden was able to attain the upcoming time travel schedule.

Patriots 2008 Greatest Team in History Schedule

• Feb 10 1991 Redskins
• Feb 17 1971 Cowboys
• Feb 24 1996 Packers
• March 2 1994 49ers
• March 9 1979 Steelers
• March 16 1989 49ers
• March 23 1999 Rams
• March 30 1992 Cowboys
• April 6 1962 Packers
• April 13 1972 Dolphins
• April 20 1985 Bears

Some fans have requested to see the 2007 Patriots play the 2007 Patriots. Professor Frink explains the problem with such a game “Having a game like this is too dangerous. That much talent on one field could cause a rift in the space-time continuum which could form a black hole. Feeding on the “Moss Effect”, this black hole would grow out of control ending all life in this galaxy.”

NFL fans everywhere are understandable excited at the possibility of seeing what many consider some of the greatest games ever played in history. Due to contractual obligations most viewers will only be able to watch these games on the NFL network.

Many reports of children acting unusual have surfaced after the release of the movie The Golden Compass. Reports detail children acting out of the normal routine as reported by their parents.

“I started to notice Billy was acting weird once we got home. I couldn’t put my finger on it but there was definitely something wrong” said Sally Worther, mother of two children.

Accounts of the author supporting an Atheism agenda though his writings has been strongly attested by supporters. But after after some careful analysis which consisted of playing the movie backwards, investigators have proven the author’s intention was atheist based by deciphering the hidden message. Apparently hidden within the soundtrack is a voice which tells children to “obey their parents”.

It is believed the sequels will also have hidden messages. The next is speculated to “encourage children to eat all their vegetables” while the third will be more heinous and speak of “looking both ways before crossing the street.”