Angus Garden

Many reports of children acting unusual have surfaced after the release of the movie The Golden Compass. Reports detail children acting out of the normal routine as reported by their parents.

“I started to notice Billy was acting weird once we got home. I couldn’t put my finger on it but there was definitely something wrong” said Sally Worther, mother of two children.

Accounts of the author supporting an Atheism agenda though his writings has been strongly attested by supporters. But after after some careful analysis which consisted of playing the movie backwards, investigators have proven the author’s intention was atheist based by deciphering the hidden message. Apparently hidden within the soundtrack is a voice which tells children to “obey their parents”.

It is believed the sequels will also have hidden messages. The next is speculated to “encourage children to eat all their vegetables” while the third will be more heinous and speak of “looking both ways before crossing the street.”

At the ripe age of 16, Jamie Lynn Spears, the not-as-famous sister of Britney Spears, is pregnant. Sources say she has been servicing, err, serving as the youngest member on the executive board at the Baby Production Company (Stock Symbol: MOMY) in Kentwood, Louisiana.

CEO and founder of the Baby Production Company, Lynne Spears, is delighted in production results for the 1st quarter of the 2007 fiscal year. Bound up by previous commitments, Lynne was not available for comment when writing this article.

…this just in, Lynne Spears is putting her new inspirational memoir of how she raised her children on hold indefinitely and she is available for comment.

AG: Miss Spears or do you prefer Momma Spears? How have you influenced your daughters?

LS: [silence]

AG: Ok, next question. Does your divorce with ex-husband Jamie Spears bring on these decisions your girls are making?

LS: [silence]

AG: Alrighty, how much does your pie cost?

LS: [inaudible ring tone]

Well, as the story goes, Jaimie Lynn will be raising her child in Louisiana, so that it will have a “normal” life.

After being fired nearly eight months ago at CBS radio for his comments on black women, Don Imus was back on the airwaves at WABC (770 AM) this morning with Rev. Al Sharpton. They talked about the usual, high gas prices, recently discovered dinosaur tissue, their favorite iPod color and Britney Spears being on Yahoo!’s top 10 list. The first fifteen minutes of the show was used to introduce his two black comedian side-kicks Karith Foster, who used to work on “The View,” and Tony Powell, a comic best known for his funny sports commentary on Rutgers basketball. The rest of the show’s air-time was used to promote black tie formals and two white presidential candidates, John McCain and Chris Dodd.

NBC released the 14 names of “B-list” cast members in the upcoming season of Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice on Monday. The celebrities will be competing in business oriented task and the winner will receive $250,000 for their charity of choice.

After catching wind of former European heavyweight boxing champion Lennox Lewis getting the callback to appear on the show, Mike Tyson (former American world heavyweight boxing champion) responded to Monday’s announcement with disgust:

“I was already feeling pain that morning. I had just missed the new Price Is Right with Drew Carey and then I hear this BS. America doesn’t want to watch Lewis, they want to see me. I am the one who sang with Bobby Brown on Jimmy Kimmel Live. People love me. They love watching me. ABC loves me. I’m just ferocious. I want to eat NBC’s children.”

As the Hollywood writers strike continues, top Hollywood producers are in search for new methods of creative writing. Ron Howard (The Andy Griffith Show, American Graffiti) is among many well known entities looking towards an old technology to be used in a new format. On the top of Howard’s list is Texas Instrument’s Speak & Spell.

“As soon as I had my hands on one, it asked me for the answer. It was listening, it cared. I was impressed. This is the type of writing technology Hollywood is looking for. J.. A.. C.. K.. P.. O.. T. ” said the famous actor/director/producer. One of Howard’s many assistants, Michael John, originally came up with the idea after remembering how well Speak & Math helped him on last year’s taxes.

It is still unclear how this will affect the WGA’s (Writers Guild of America) negotiations with Hollywood’s executives in the upcoming weeks.

After only spending 15 minutes of her exhaustive 84 minute sentence, Lindsay Lohan broke out of Lynwood Jail reports LA County Sheriff. Lynwood guards claimed she went missing right after an autograph session around 10:45 a.m.

When asked if the LA County Sheriff Dept. would require Lohan to serve the remaining time Chief Nortel was quoted “Nah, escaping prison usually brings upon a double or triple sentence increase so we are looking at three to five hours total and she could be out in as little as two hours with good behavior.”

It appears Lohan will not be required to serve the extra amount of time but could face possible community service totally 300 minutes if found breaking probation.