Angus Garden

AIG has recently decided to change names to AIU because of the harm done to the previous name. AngusGarden has received a secret memo showing some of the names that didnt make it.

AIG after outrage over bonuses has assured the Government its newest plan will raise enough private funds it will no longer need assistance.

Photo credit http://www.flickr.com/photos/jdiggans/2953903328/

Update: Although AIG never took our advice it seems at least one individual did try and use this technique to generate some money. We suggest next time he get a sign saying “I worked on Wall Street and helped lose your house, your money and your retirement.”

Google in yet another effort to help the world will open a new division dedicated to accepting blame for everything wrong with the world.

This official statement was made by Google’s New Project Public Relations Spokeswoman, Brenda Baker: “Whenever possible Google likes to give back and recently we realized we could do more. By setting up our new blame office we can help the world with their guilty conscious. Too many people were being blamed for the problems of the world resulting in mass confusion. Now the world will now have an quick avenue for passing the blame.”

Lawyer Brain Hatcher stated “Since Google has indexed all of the internet’s content, they are responsible for everything that is posted on the internet. Users can not be held accountable for what they write because it is too hard to blame them, but Google is so big and has so much money. They are clearly at fault.”

The United States Government was one of the first in line, blaming Google for the sub-prime fallout, increasing deficit and global warming. More countries are expected to follow including Russia, South Africa, China, and France.

A California Burger King was the scene yesterday for a vicious riot resulting in 12 people being severely injured and thousands of dollars of property damage.

Burger King was reportedly shooting a commercial hoping to capture customer’s reaction to news they were discontinuing the Whopper. In the popular ad hopes to capture customers distraught from news of the Whopper being discontinued. It seems Burger King captured a little bit more then they expected.

Local police claim patrons became incredible irate when the manager announced the discontinuation of the Whopper. One man reportedly began to rain blows down upon the manager’s head. Another began to beat the manager further with the “Wet Floor” sign after the manager fell to the floor. Other customers were lighting napkins on fire and squeezing all the ketchup packets out on the floor.

Customer Janet Green was visible upset after the ordeal “I never saw people so animalistic. It got out of hand so fast. No one should have to live though that.”

Members of the film crew and other representatives tried to calm the angry mob down but it was too late.

Myra Times, a lawyer who specializes in fast food cases”Burger King should have taken better precautions against the threat of angry customers. What did they expect when tricking customers into thinking the Whopper is gone? Happiness? They should have been prepared for angry customers ready to take revenge on behalf of their favorite hamburger.”

No word is out on customers considering legal action against Burger King.

Blockbuster announced today they will immediately start training employees to critique movie selections faster and with more sarcasm.

For some time now Blockbuster employees have been giving customers a healthy sampling of their opinions on movies and games. But this is the first official move taken by Blockbuster to establish a training program for such critiques.

The program will be broken up into categories in the same fashion current movies are divided such as comedy, action, and drama. Emphasis will be on making the customer feel publicly belittled. Classes will be taught by middle market newspaper and blog movie critiques.

Blockbuster manager Ralph Black said he is looking forward to the training adding “Giving the customer the business before he or she would check out was hit and miss at best. Giving us some guidance will give me the confidence to really bust them up on their choices.”

Walmart has just recently announced a deal with the Devil to sell back human souls. There is no official word on the price but analysts expect the discount to be high.

Walmart spokesperson Angela Green in an official press conference said “We at Walmart strive to offer our valued customers the widest selection of quality products at the highest competitive price. We are so proud today to announce we will be adding human souls to our our long list of great products.”

Walmart has been quiet on the details of the souls but insiders say only currently living souls will be offered for sale. No word has been mentioned if already dead souls will be for sale.

Specifics on the deal between Walmart and the Devil have been released but anaylists for years have been saying the Devil just doesn’t have enough room and was looking for outside investors. Speculation is Walmart has received a large bulk discount which should aid well to their bottom line.

The Street has upgraded Walmart stock to a strong buy due to high demand. The Street expects Walmart to start offering souls in China and Mexico around late 2008 / early 2009.

Every year it seems inevitable, on the Friday after Thanksgiving stores will try and outdo each other with crazy sales to try and draw in the crowds. This year finds itself as on of the top on the list of super offers. Even non-traditional Black Friday stores are offering customers deals.

McDonalds
Free McRib to the first 1,000,000 customers served
Free Super Size upgrade on all combo orders

Meineke
Free Whistler Tip on any muffler purchase
Free coffee with any purchase of 6 or more tires

Hardees
Free Green Burrito with purchase of Red Burrito

AT&T
25 free text messages (analog only)

Check back for more store lists.