Angus Garden

The IRS has now confirmed that every United States citizen may have had their financial information stolen.

In an era where the amount of digital data has become increasingly prolific, data leaks have also increased exponentially.

The most alarming issue might not be the amount of personal information leaked but the method in which it was leaked. Sources inside the IRS have reported the information may not have been stolen, as first reports indicated, but actually given away.

“I believe the agent in question put the wrong disk in the movie rental box” reported Agent Ben Heath. Initial reports indicate an IRS agent took home a disk in his pocket that contained income statements on over 250 million US residents by accident. Temporarily forgetting Blockbuster movie rentals reinstated their late fee policy the agent in a rush put the disk in the Transformers dvd box and returned it. Blockbuster reports the movie was checked out 65 times and ripped at least 64 times before the box could be pulled off the shelves.

When asked why there were no complaints about the disk not playing properly the Manager for Blockbuster said “We got a ton of complaints about the disk but we are so used sticking our nose up at our customers we rarely listen.”

Officials are optimistic most US citizens will not have their credit information released. “Its like being on the internet. You are safe because there are so many people on the disk. We lost credit information on 250 million people so the odds of actually having your information abused are probably around 1 in 250 million. Those are very good odds!” Heath stated.

The IRS is looking into the individuals who ripped the disks. The offenders could possible face 6 months of community service and $45 fee for leaking IRS documents or 25 years and 5 Billion dollars for illegal coping of a movie.

27 year old former NFL quarterback and canine boxing extraordinar Michael Vick surrendered to officials on Monday. It was an unusual move likely to show goodwill and get an early start on a what could be a long prison term.

As a commonwealth, Virginia takes punishment for criminals very serious. “We want Mr. Vick to feel the embarrassment that we have felt. You can’t just bring dogs to fight in Surry county without a permit.” said corrections officer Randy Johnson. “Because he thinks coming to jail 3 weeks early is going to help him, we decided to give him a lift in our special ’short bus’ to federal prison. That should show him we mean business around here, not the gambling-without-a-permit type of business, but you know what I mean. Our ’short bus’ is for the perps who think they can outsmart us. By going to prison without being sentenced yet, he must think hes a genius.”

Vick’s official sentence will be delivered in three weeks on December 10th. He could face a up to a maximum of 5 years 3 weeks in prison.

NBC released the 14 names of “B-list” cast members in the upcoming season of Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice on Monday. The celebrities will be competing in business oriented task and the winner will receive $250,000 for their charity of choice.

After catching wind of former European heavyweight boxing champion Lennox Lewis getting the callback to appear on the show, Mike Tyson (former American world heavyweight boxing champion) responded to Monday’s announcement with disgust:

“I was already feeling pain that morning. I had just missed the new Price Is Right with Drew Carey and then I hear this BS. America doesn’t want to watch Lewis, they want to see me. I am the one who sang with Bobby Brown on Jimmy Kimmel Live. People love me. They love watching me. ABC loves me. I’m just ferocious. I want to eat NBC’s children.”

As the Hollywood writers strike continues, top Hollywood producers are in search for new methods of creative writing. Ron Howard (The Andy Griffith Show, American Graffiti) is among many well known entities looking towards an old technology to be used in a new format. On the top of Howard’s list is Texas Instrument’s Speak & Spell.

“As soon as I had my hands on one, it asked me for the answer. It was listening, it cared. I was impressed. This is the type of writing technology Hollywood is looking for. J.. A.. C.. K.. P.. O.. T. ” said the famous actor/director/producer. One of Howard’s many assistants, Michael John, originally came up with the idea after remembering how well Speak & Math helped him on last year’s taxes.

It is still unclear how this will affect the WGA’s (Writers Guild of America) negotiations with Hollywood’s executives in the upcoming weeks.

After only spending 15 minutes of her exhaustive 84 minute sentence, Lindsay Lohan broke out of Lynwood Jail reports LA County Sheriff. Lynwood guards claimed she went missing right after an autograph session around 10:45 a.m.

When asked if the LA County Sheriff Dept. would require Lohan to serve the remaining time Chief Nortel was quoted “Nah, escaping prison usually brings upon a double or triple sentence increase so we are looking at three to five hours total and she could be out in as little as two hours with good behavior.”

It appears Lohan will not be required to serve the extra amount of time but could face possible community service totally 300 minutes if found breaking probation.

Harmonix Music Systesm, the maker of the very popular Guitar Hero series, is planning on releasing another game title to boost their presence in the growing music and rhythm video game market called Recorder Hero.

After posting record sales from Guitar Hero, their newest title Recorder Hero plans to start where Guitar Hero left off, rocking harder.

Many adults will remember the recorder as the first musical instrument they learned. “It brings back memories of simpler times. Ones where I didn’t have to worry about seagull attacks or people braking into my house and stealing butter” said Jerry Porter, pet store owner.

Harmonix would not confirm the song list but most agree Recorder Hero will have the ever favorite hit, “Hot Cross Buns”.

Pre-order sales have set an all time record for the holiday season. While some argue there is no purer form of music expression then the recorder it is agreed Harmonix will have another mega hit on their hands for Christmas.

Pierre was sent down to the end of Breakneck Rd. this past weekend to see if the rumors were true; strange sightings of unidentified flying aircraft seen hovering over Lake Dawkins, just past the Tinkert farmhouse.

We furnished Pierre with a pup tent, a Coleman lantern, and some back bacon and transported him out to the sight of the alleged occurance.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), Pierre’s quest came up empty. He saw nothing noteworthy but did manage to wrestle a wild boar into submission. Apparently two bags of back bacon wasn’t enough to last the weekend.

After hitch-hiking his way back to our office in Sawduck, he arrived late Monday night looking a little disheveled, disoriented and disappointed, but not any better looking than when we dropped him off.

New York resident Darrel Pines was looking for an escape from his daily grind of work and stress. After reading about the online community “Second Life” he decided to try it out.

Darrel was playing the game for approximately four months before realizing it was too similar to real life, except for the flying and everyone looking like a model or monster.

“Flying is fun for the first month but then it becomes too much like driving and I want someone else to fly me around,” said Pines.

Pines claims to have converted thousands of dollars into thousands of Linden dollars only to find out he was deep into digital debt. He was purchasing the life he could not afford in his real life. It only took a short while before he was digitally living outside of his digital means. Digital bill collectors started showing up at his digital door growing digitally madder each time.

“There is just no place to digitally hide in Second Life.”

That was the end of Darrel Pine’s virtual reality gaming experience. To this day, he has his feet firmly planted in real reality.

“I was just tired of the digital runaround and craved something else,” said Pines. “I mean you can’t even kill anyone in the game.”

The FDA has approved Phase 2 testing for a new drug designed to ease the withdrawal effects of World of Warcraft addiction. This drug UB-429, currently being called Altrlife is being praised as an effective replacement for WoW addiction.

Doctors claim it works in two stages; the first stage will stimulate the afflicted user’s brain with a sense of quick leveling. This alleviates the anxiety a player feels while away from his/her computer. The second stage gives the user a feeling of supreme dominance, thus helping the user cope with “Totalitarian Syndrome.”

Totalitarian Syndrome (TS) is a condition afflicting approximately 25% of the WoW community. More commonly found in players who suffer from advanced addiction, TS has been proven to devastate the lives of those who suffer from it. Symptoms of the addicted can include the overwhelming need to have complete dictatorial control over other WoW players as well as the unquestionable confidence that their decisions are best.

Parents and friends have been calling for an effective treatment for advanced WoW addiction since the day the game came out. There are high hopes for Altrlife. Doctors indicate a chemical dependence could develop but say “the positives far outweigh the negatives.”

Leading Democrats today are pointing to new research showing obese Americans are increasing our need for foreign oil at a dramatic rate. The rise in obesity is having a dramatic effect on current oil supply levels which Democrats believe is the major factor for invading Iraq.

University of Texas has released evidence showing that an increase in weight is having a direct increase in gas consumption in America. The biggest leading cause is automobile use. It takes more gas to transport a person weighting 400lbs then 200lbs. Another study conducted by Texas A&M also points to the increased fuel usage needed to maintain and harvest farms because of the rising level of food consumption.

With all evidence indicating the obesity rate will continue to climb, leading think tank groups believe the United States will have to invade and oil rich country every 8 months to maintain our current growth rate.