Angus Garden

At the ripe age of 16, Jamie Lynn Spears, the not-as-famous sister of Britney Spears, is pregnant. Sources say she has been servicing, err, serving as the youngest member on the executive board at the Baby Production Company (Stock Symbol: MOMY) in Kentwood, Louisiana.

CEO and founder of the Baby Production Company, Lynne Spears, is delighted in production results for the 1st quarter of the 2007 fiscal year. Bound up by previous commitments, Lynne was not available for comment when writing this article.

…this just in, Lynne Spears is putting her new inspirational memoir of how she raised her children on hold indefinitely and she is available for comment.

AG: Miss Spears or do you prefer Momma Spears? How have you influenced your daughters?

LS: [silence]

AG: Ok, next question. Does your divorce with ex-husband Jamie Spears bring on these decisions your girls are making?

LS: [silence]

AG: Alrighty, how much does your pie cost?

LS: [inaudible ring tone]

Well, as the story goes, Jaimie Lynn will be raising her child in Louisiana, so that it will have a “normal” life.

Sadness permeates the SIT headquarters this afternoon. Evidence has revealed to us that our mystery photo, one we’d hoped would stand as proof of Gray Beard’s legend, has yielded only disgust.

Following several renderings of our computer photographic enhancement software we have uncovered that Pierre’s photograph was merely an old man with a squirrel attached to the side of his head.

Needless to say, we were quite disappointed with the results. Ever since Pierre sent us the original photo, the staff was excited about the possibility that we might have found our mystery beast. Unfortunately it was merely bad photography and a back bacon gorge fest induced hallucination.

Interesting developments filtering in from Pierre’s adventure into the stomping grounds of our friend Gray Beard (see below for more info).

Pierre packed his nap sack and back bacon on Monday and headed out to Bleeding Mange Creek that afternoon. He was scheduled to send us daily reports regarding the elusive mystery beast but we had not heard a word from him for several days.

That is, until this morning. At approximately 4:15 AM this morning, Pierre managed to contact HQ via his cell phone. What followed was drama at its best. Clearly shaken, Pierre’s words were frantic and muffled. The cell phone reception was poor and Pierre’s high-pitched shrieks were unintelligible. While not yet having a firm grasp on the French language, I’m almost certain Pierre was cursing like a lazy-eyed, drunken shipyard foreman.

After several minutes spent trying to calm Pierre down, we lost all audio. More time passed until Pierre managed to transmit this image (via his cell phone) of a mysterious, shadowy specter.

One can only speculate what this image might be showing us. Our team is working feverishly here at HQ to analyze what we might be seeing here. You can make out a face but it’s still a profound mystery. Hopefully our image enhancing software will reveal more. It’s a long tedious process but we should have a clearer view soon.

Could this is the legendary Gray Beard?

After being fired nearly eight months ago at CBS radio for his comments on black women, Don Imus was back on the airwaves at WABC (770 AM) this morning with Rev. Al Sharpton. They talked about the usual, high gas prices, recently discovered dinosaur tissue, their favorite iPod color and Britney Spears being on Yahoo!’s top 10 list. The first fifteen minutes of the show was used to introduce his two black comedian side-kicks Karith Foster, who used to work on “The View,” and Tony Powell, a comic best known for his funny sports commentary on Rutgers basketball. The rest of the show’s air-time was used to promote black tie formals and two white presidential candidates, John McCain and Chris Dodd.

Shortly before slipping off into a Tryptophan induced coma during the Thanksgiving holidays, the family unit gathered around the fireplace to listen to Aunt Betty-Sue wax poetic with tall tales from the early days of Sawduck. As I stared at the pecan pie stain on my overalls, my ear caught wind of one particular little nugget escaping from Aunt BS’s yellowed dentures – The Legend of Gray Beard.

Short of details, Aunt BS’s story revealed very little in useful information regarding Gray Beard. Of course everyone in Sawduck has heard the stories. Crazy half-truths of a half-man, half-something roaming the woodlands of Sawduck’s pristine wilderness. Legend has it that this beast has been known to ravage poultry from some of the local chicken farms. The foul smell that follows it is also legendary and is known to chase rabid skunks to distant lands.

Since December is usually a slow month in unexplained phenomena for Sawduck, we’ve decided to look more closely at the legend of Gray Beard. Here at HQ, the planning stages are under way to dispatch Pierre into the region most commonly viewed as Gray Beard’s home territory – Bleeding Mange Creek. Most of our intelligence points to this area as having the highest probability of a successful Gray Beard sighting.

Further updates to come…