Angus Garden

At the ripe age of 16, Jamie Lynn Spears, the not-as-famous sister of Britney Spears, is pregnant. Sources say she has been servicing, err, serving as the youngest member on the executive board at the Baby Production Company (Stock Symbol: MOMY) in Kentwood, Louisiana.

CEO and founder of the Baby Production Company, Lynne Spears, is delighted in production results for the 1st quarter of the 2007 fiscal year. Bound up by previous commitments, Lynne was not available for comment when writing this article.

…this just in, Lynne Spears is putting her new inspirational memoir of how she raised her children on hold indefinitely and she is available for comment.

AG: Miss Spears or do you prefer Momma Spears? How have you influenced your daughters?

LS: [silence]

AG: Ok, next question. Does your divorce with ex-husband Jamie Spears bring on these decisions your girls are making?

LS: [silence]

AG: Alrighty, how much does your pie cost?

LS: [inaudible ring tone]

Well, as the story goes, Jaimie Lynn will be raising her child in Louisiana, so that it will have a “normal” life.

Sadness permeates the SIT headquarters this afternoon. Evidence has revealed to us that our mystery photo, one we’d hoped would stand as proof of Gray Beard’s legend, has yielded only disgust.

Following several renderings of our computer photographic enhancement software we have uncovered that Pierre’s photograph was merely an old man with a squirrel attached to the side of his head.

Needless to say, we were quite disappointed with the results. Ever since Pierre sent us the original photo, the staff was excited about the possibility that we might have found our mystery beast. Unfortunately it was merely bad photography and a back bacon gorge fest induced hallucination.

Interesting developments filtering in from Pierre’s adventure into the stomping grounds of our friend Gray Beard (see below for more info).

Pierre packed his nap sack and back bacon on Monday and headed out to Bleeding Mange Creek that afternoon. He was scheduled to send us daily reports regarding the elusive mystery beast but we had not heard a word from him for several days.

That is, until this morning. At approximately 4:15 AM this morning, Pierre managed to contact HQ via his cell phone. What followed was drama at its best. Clearly shaken, Pierre’s words were frantic and muffled. The cell phone reception was poor and Pierre’s high-pitched shrieks were unintelligible. While not yet having a firm grasp on the French language, I’m almost certain Pierre was cursing like a lazy-eyed, drunken shipyard foreman.

After several minutes spent trying to calm Pierre down, we lost all audio. More time passed until Pierre managed to transmit this image (via his cell phone) of a mysterious, shadowy specter.

One can only speculate what this image might be showing us. Our team is working feverishly here at HQ to analyze what we might be seeing here. You can make out a face but it’s still a profound mystery. Hopefully our image enhancing software will reveal more. It’s a long tedious process but we should have a clearer view soon.

Could this is the legendary Gray Beard?

After being fired nearly eight months ago at CBS radio for his comments on black women, Don Imus was back on the airwaves at WABC (770 AM) this morning with Rev. Al Sharpton. They talked about the usual, high gas prices, recently discovered dinosaur tissue, their favorite iPod color and Britney Spears being on Yahoo!’s top 10 list. The first fifteen minutes of the show was used to introduce his two black comedian side-kicks Karith Foster, who used to work on “The View,” and Tony Powell, a comic best known for his funny sports commentary on Rutgers basketball. The rest of the show’s air-time was used to promote black tie formals and two white presidential candidates, John McCain and Chris Dodd.

Shortly before slipping off into a Tryptophan induced coma during the Thanksgiving holidays, the family unit gathered around the fireplace to listen to Aunt Betty-Sue wax poetic with tall tales from the early days of Sawduck. As I stared at the pecan pie stain on my overalls, my ear caught wind of one particular little nugget escaping from Aunt BS’s yellowed dentures – The Legend of Gray Beard.

Short of details, Aunt BS’s story revealed very little in useful information regarding Gray Beard. Of course everyone in Sawduck has heard the stories. Crazy half-truths of a half-man, half-something roaming the woodlands of Sawduck’s pristine wilderness. Legend has it that this beast has been known to ravage poultry from some of the local chicken farms. The foul smell that follows it is also legendary and is known to chase rabid skunks to distant lands.

Since December is usually a slow month in unexplained phenomena for Sawduck, we’ve decided to look more closely at the legend of Gray Beard. Here at HQ, the planning stages are under way to dispatch Pierre into the region most commonly viewed as Gray Beard’s home territory – Bleeding Mange Creek. Most of our intelligence points to this area as having the highest probability of a successful Gray Beard sighting.

Further updates to come…

The IRS has now confirmed that every United States citizen may have had their financial information stolen.

In an era where the amount of digital data has become increasingly prolific, data leaks have also increased exponentially.

The most alarming issue might not be the amount of personal information leaked but the method in which it was leaked. Sources inside the IRS have reported the information may not have been stolen, as first reports indicated, but actually given away.

“I believe the agent in question put the wrong disk in the movie rental box” reported Agent Ben Heath. Initial reports indicate an IRS agent took home a disk in his pocket that contained income statements on over 250 million US residents by accident. Temporarily forgetting Blockbuster movie rentals reinstated their late fee policy the agent in a rush put the disk in the Transformers dvd box and returned it. Blockbuster reports the movie was checked out 65 times and ripped at least 64 times before the box could be pulled off the shelves.

When asked why there were no complaints about the disk not playing properly the Manager for Blockbuster said “We got a ton of complaints about the disk but we are so used sticking our nose up at our customers we rarely listen.”

Officials are optimistic most US citizens will not have their credit information released. “Its like being on the internet. You are safe because there are so many people on the disk. We lost credit information on 250 million people so the odds of actually having your information abused are probably around 1 in 250 million. Those are very good odds!” Heath stated.

The IRS is looking into the individuals who ripped the disks. The offenders could possible face 6 months of community service and $45 fee for leaking IRS documents or 25 years and 5 Billion dollars for illegal coping of a movie.

27 year old former NFL quarterback and canine boxing extraordinar Michael Vick surrendered to officials on Monday. It was an unusual move likely to show goodwill and get an early start on a what could be a long prison term.

As a commonwealth, Virginia takes punishment for criminals very serious. “We want Mr. Vick to feel the embarrassment that we have felt. You can’t just bring dogs to fight in Surry county without a permit.” said corrections officer Randy Johnson. “Because he thinks coming to jail 3 weeks early is going to help him, we decided to give him a lift in our special ’short bus’ to federal prison. That should show him we mean business around here, not the gambling-without-a-permit type of business, but you know what I mean. Our ’short bus’ is for the perps who think they can outsmart us. By going to prison without being sentenced yet, he must think hes a genius.”

Vick’s official sentence will be delivered in three weeks on December 10th. He could face a up to a maximum of 5 years 3 weeks in prison.

NBC released the 14 names of “B-list” cast members in the upcoming season of Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice on Monday. The celebrities will be competing in business oriented task and the winner will receive $250,000 for their charity of choice.

After catching wind of former European heavyweight boxing champion Lennox Lewis getting the callback to appear on the show, Mike Tyson (former American world heavyweight boxing champion) responded to Monday’s announcement with disgust:

“I was already feeling pain that morning. I had just missed the new Price Is Right with Drew Carey and then I hear this BS. America doesn’t want to watch Lewis, they want to see me. I am the one who sang with Bobby Brown on Jimmy Kimmel Live. People love me. They love watching me. ABC loves me. I’m just ferocious. I want to eat NBC’s children.”

As the Hollywood writers strike continues, top Hollywood producers are in search for new methods of creative writing. Ron Howard (The Andy Griffith Show, American Graffiti) is among many well known entities looking towards an old technology to be used in a new format. On the top of Howard’s list is Texas Instrument’s Speak & Spell.

“As soon as I had my hands on one, it asked me for the answer. It was listening, it cared. I was impressed. This is the type of writing technology Hollywood is looking for. J.. A.. C.. K.. P.. O.. T. ” said the famous actor/director/producer. One of Howard’s many assistants, Michael John, originally came up with the idea after remembering how well Speak & Math helped him on last year’s taxes.

It is still unclear how this will affect the WGA’s (Writers Guild of America) negotiations with Hollywood’s executives in the upcoming weeks.

After only spending 15 minutes of her exhaustive 84 minute sentence, Lindsay Lohan broke out of Lynwood Jail reports LA County Sheriff. Lynwood guards claimed she went missing right after an autograph session around 10:45 a.m.

When asked if the LA County Sheriff Dept. would require Lohan to serve the remaining time Chief Nortel was quoted “Nah, escaping prison usually brings upon a double or triple sentence increase so we are looking at three to five hours total and she could be out in as little as two hours with good behavior.”

It appears Lohan will not be required to serve the extra amount of time but could face possible community service totally 300 minutes if found breaking probation.